Dreams #2

Welcome to round two, kiddies! Can you dig it?

Our new neighbor is a friendly young guy who just came in from England and is in America for the first time (and has an odd resemblance to Tim Roth). I become close friends with him, and we spend a lot of time getting high and playing videogames. One evening, we decide to go to Chuck-E-Cheese (the top floor of which is a casino, complete with guys in the character suits handing out booze). While there, I excuse myself to the restroom. Because of a drug I had taken earlier that day, my piss is bright pink and smells strongly of paint and Pepto-Bismol. It also stings horribly. This is a regular symptom of the particular drug I took. The security cameras that the restaurant has in the restrooms sees this, and as soon as I leave the restroom, I am approached by security guards who want me to come with them. My friend sees this, and reveals his shotgun, tossing me another one. We rob the place, but before we can leave, some of the guys in character suits appear with heavy weaponry, initiating a huge firefight. My friend is shot and killed, but I escape.

I died and went to Heaven, which was like a big quiet beach resort. I got to hang out with Divine and Hunter S. Thompson, the three of us deciding to start a talk show where we interviewed famous dead people like Kurt Cobain and JFK.

I was staying at the beach, got stalked by Kenny Loggins, who turned out to be a demon, (he teleported the hotel out into the middle of the ocean and made us get attacked by giant carnivorous manta rays), only to be rescued by Sleazy Peter Christopherson, Nivek Ogre, Trent Reznor and, oddly, one of the girls from PuffyAmiYumi, with Reznor getting killed and those other guys having a tribute concert, playing NIN songs in his honor.

I’m the leader of a mercenary squad, and the mission is to assassinate Jabba the Hutt before he can finance another Special Edition re-release of the original Star Wars trilogy by George Lucas (one of the potential changes being “Bart Simpson shoots first”). We find Jabba’s secret base of operations by looking at his MySpace page. When we get there, however, he is expecting us, and we are captured and subjected to horrifyingly gruesome tortures, such as trapping one of the team members in a paralyzed, still position and having buzzsaws slowly approach him from every direction (something like half-an-inch per second) – both sides, underneath, and above – until the saws collide, no matter what is between them all. I convince one of his Twi'lek cocktail waitresses to free me, and then I sneak into his docking bay and steal one of his ships. Before I fly away, I turn around and blast the hell out of Jabba's island base and eventually sinking it.

Scientists determine that, due to global warming, we only have one year left before the end of the world. There are riots, mass suicides, and everybody generally becomes an unfriendly asshole. During the last week, I go to the mall and have a huge fight (literally, we’re beating the hell out of each other) with my friend Lauren Carraman over the last tub of ice cream (the kicker being that, in real life, Lauren is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known). On the final day, I go to a symbolic funeral for Earth (taking place in someone’s apartment), where we are all going to spend our final hours alive. As I’m driving there, the tires on my car melt, so I have to get out and walk. Birds have fallen out of the sky and melted onto the sidewalks and there are flaming pieces of paper blowing in the breeze. Once I get to the party, we all drink wine and eat turkey and ice cream while wearing black suits and sunglasses. When the final minute comes, we all do a countdown (kind of like they do on New Year’s Eve) as the world goes up in a cinder.

That's all for now. Tune in next episode - same bat-time, same bat-channel!