2009 ULTIMATE MOVIE CHALLENGE!!!!!11!!1!

It's been a while since I've posted, but I'm still here.

Alright, since the very beginning of 2007, we've been doing this movie-challenge thing on a forum I go to (FilmTalk, the DVDAF forum). We try to fill movies into all the slots on a list, with the lists getting bigger and more complicated each year because it's so much fun for those of us with no lives.

Here's the complete 2009 list:

DIRECTORS
1. Adamson, Al
2. Allen, Woody
3. Almodovar, Pedro
4. Altman, Robert
5. Anderson, Paul Thomas
6. Anderson, Paul W.S.
7. Anderson, Wes
8. Antonioni, Michelangelo
9. Argento, Dario
10. Aronofsky, Darren
11. Avildsen, John
12. Badham, John
13. Barker, Clive
14. Bava, Mario
15. Bay, Michael
16. Bergman, Ingmar
17. Bertolucci, Bernardo
18. Besson, Luc
19. Bird, Brad
20. Boyle, Danny
21. Branagh, Kenneth
22. Bresson, Robert
23. Brooks, Mel
24. Brooks, Richard
25. Browning, Tod
26. Bunuel, Luis
27. Burton, Tim
28. Cameron, James
29. Capra, Frank
30. Carpenter, John
31. Cassavetes, John
32. Cassavetes, Nick
33. Castle, William
34. Chan, Jackie
35. Chaplin, Charlie
36. Cimino, Michael
37. Cocteau, Jean
38. Coen Bros.
39. Cohen, Rob
40. Columbus, Chris
41. Coppola, Francis Ford
42. Coppola, Sophia
43. Corbucci, Sergio
44. Corman, Roger
45. Coscarelli, Don
46. Costner, Kevin
47. Craven, Wes
48. Cronenberg, David
49. Crowe, Cameron
50. Cuaron, Alfonso
51. Cukor, George
52. Curtiz, Michael
53. D'Amato, Joe
54. Dante, Joe
55. Darabont, Frank
56. De Bont, Jan
57. De Palma, Brian
58. De Sica, Vittorio
59. Del Toro, Guillermo
60. DeMille, Cecil B.
61. Demme, Jonathan
62. Donaldson, Roger
63. Donner, Richard
64. Dreyer, Carl
65. Eastwood, Clint
66. Edwards, Blake
67. Eisenstein, Sergei
68. Emmerich, Roland
69. Ephron, Nora
70. Farrelly Bros.
71. Fassbinder, Rainer Werner
72. Fellini, Fedirico
73. Ferrara, Abel
74. Fincher, David
75. Fleming, Victor
76. Ford, John
77. Forman, Milos
78. Franco, Jess
79. Frankenheimer, John
80. Frears, Stephen
81. Friedkin, William
82. Fukasaku, Kinji
83. Fulci, Lucio
84. Fuller, Sam
85. Fuqua, Antoine
86. Gibson, Mel
87. Gilliam, Terry
88. Godard, Jean-Luc
89. Gordon Lewis, Herschell
90. Gordon, Stuart
91. Guest, Chrisopher
92. Hanson, Curtis
93. Harlin, Renny
94. Hawks, Howard
95. Herzog, Werner
96. Hill, George Roy
97. Hill, Jack
98. Hitchcock, Alfred
99. Honda, Ishirô
100. Hooper, Tobe
101. Howard, Ron
102. Hughes, John
103. Hung, Sammo
104. Huston, John
105. Inarritu, Alejandro Gonzalez
106. Jackson, Peter
107. Jarmusch, Jim
108. Jewison, Norman
109. Joe Berlinger / Bruce Sinofsky
110. Jonze, Spike
111. Jordan, Neil
112. Kaufman, Lloyd
113. Kazan, Elia
114. Kieslowski, Krzysztof
115. Kramer, Stanley
116. Kubrick, Stanley
117. Kurosawa, Akira
118. Landis, John
119. Lang, Fritz
120. Lasseter, John
121. Lean, David
122. Lee, Ang
123. Lee, Spike
124. Leone, Sergio
125. Levinson, Barry
126. Liman, Doug
127. Linklater, Richard
128. Lucas, George
129. Lumet, Sidney
130. Lynch, David
131. Malick, Terrence
132. Malle, Louis
133. Mamet, David
134. Mangold, James
135. Mann, Michael
136. Margareti, Antonio
137. Marshall, Garry
138. Marshall, Penny
139. Maysles, Albert and David
140. McCarey, Leo
141. McTiernan, John
142. Melville, Jean-Pierre
143. Mendes, Sam
144. Meyer, Russ
145. Miike, Takashi
146. Miner, Steve
147. Minghella, Anthony
148. Miyazaki, Hayao
149. Mizoguchi, Kenji
150. Moore, Michael
151. Morris, Erroll
152. Murnau, F.W.
153. Nichols, Mike
154. Nolan, Christopher
155. Noyce, Phillip
156. Oz, Frank
157. Ozu, Yasujiro
158. Pang Brothers
159. Park, Chan Wook
160. Payne, Alexander
161. Peckinpah, Sam
162. Peterson, Wolfgang
163. Polanski, Roman
164. Pollack, Sydney
165. Powell, Michael and Pressburger, Emeric
166. Preminger, Otto
167. Raimi, Sam
168. Ramis, Harold
169. Ratner, Brett
170. Reiner, Rob
171. Reitman, Ivan
172. Renoir, Jean
173. Ritchie, Guy
174. Rodriguez, Robert
175. Roeg, Nicolas
176. Rollin, Jean
177. Romero, George A.
178. Russell, David O.
179. Schumacher, Joel
180. Scorsese, Martin
181. Scott, Ridley
182. Scott, Tony
183. Shelton, Ron
184. Shimizu, Takashi
185. Shyamalan, M. Night
186. Siegel, Don
187. Singer, Bryan
188. Singleton, John
189. Sirk, Douglas
190. Smith, Kevin
191. Smithee, Alan
192. Soderbergh, Steven
193. Solondz, Todd
194. Sonenfield, Barry
195. Speilberg, Steven
196. Stone, Oliver
197. Sturges, John
198. Sturges, Preston
199. Suzuki, Seijun
200. Tarantino, Quentin
201. Tarkovsky, Andrei
202. Tati, Jacques
203. Tourneur, Jacques
204. Truffaut, Francois
205. Tsui, Hark
206. Tykwer, Tom
207. Van Sant, Gus
208. Verbinski, Gore
209. Verhoeven, Paul
210. Von Trier, Lars
211. Wachowski Siblings
212. Waters, John
213. Weir, Peter
214. Welles, Orson
215. Wellman, William A.
216. Wilder, Billy
217. Wise, Robert
218. Woo, John
219. Wood, Jr., Edward D.
220. Wyler, William
221. Yimou, Zhang
222. Young, Terence
223. Zemeckis, Robert
224. Zinnemann, Fred
225. Zucker Bros.

ACTORS
226. Abraham, F. Murray
227. Affleck, Ben
228. Affleck, Casey
229. Aiello, Danny
230. Alda, Alan
231. Arkin, Alan
232. Astaire, Fred
233. Aykroyd, Dan
234. Azaria, Hank
235. Bacall, Lauren
236. Bacon, Kevin
237. Baldwin, Alec
238. Bale, Christian
239. Banderas, Antonio
240. Banks, Elizabeth
241. Barbeau, Adrienne
242. Bardem, Javier
243. Barrymore, Drew
244. Bartel, Paul
245. Barty, Billy
246. Basinger, Kim
247. Bean, Sean
248. Beatty, Ned
249. Beatty, Warren
250. Beckinsale, Kate
251. Belushi, John
252. Bening, Annette
253. Bergman, Ingrid
254. Berry, Halle
255. Biehn, Michael
256. Biel, Jessica
257. Binoche, Juliette
258. Black, Jack
259. Blanchett, Cate
260. Bloom, Orlando
261. Bogart, Humphrey
262. Bonham Carter, Helena
263. Borgnine, Ernest
264. Boyle, Peter
265. Branagh, Kenneth
266. Brando, Marlon
267. Bridges, Jeff
268. Broderick, Matthew
269. Brolin, James
270. Brolin, Josh
271. Bronson, Charles
272. Brooks, Albert
273. Brosnan, Pierce
274. Brynner, Yul
275. Bullock, Sandra
276. Burns, Edward
277. Burstyn, Ellen
278. Burton, Richard
279. Buscemi, Steve
280. Busey, Gary
281. Byrne, Gabriel
282. Caan, James
283. Cage, Nicolas
284. Cagney, James
285. Caine, Michael
286. Campbell, Bruce
287. Candy, John
288. Carlyle, Robert
289. Carradine, David
290. Carradine, John
291. Carrey, Jim
292. Caruso, David
293. Cassel, Seymour
294. Cazale, John
295. Chan, Jackie
296. Chaney Jr, Lon
297. Chaplin, Charlie
298. Chase, Chevy
299. Cheadle, Don
300. Chiba, Sonny
301. Cleef, Lee Van
302. Cleese, John
303. Clooney, George
304. Close, Glen
305. Coburn, James
306. Cole, Gary
307. Coleman, Dabney
308. Collete, Toni
309. Combs, Jeffrey
310. Connelly, Jennifer
311. Connery, Sean
312. Considine, Paddy
313. Conway, Tim
314. Cooper, Chris
315. Cooper, Gary
316. Costner, Kevin
317. Cotten, Joseph
318. Cox, Brian
319. Cox, Ronny
320. Craig, Daniel
321. Crawford, Joan
322. Crosby, Bing
323. Crowe, Russell
324. Cruise, Tom
325. Cruz, Penelope
326. Crystal, Billy
327. Curry, Tim
328. Curtis, Cliff
329. Cusack, Joan
330. Cusack, John
331. Cushing, Peter
332. Dafoe, Willem
333. Damon, Matt
334. Danes, Claire
335. Dangerfield, Rodney
336. Daniels, Jeff
337. David, Keith
338. Davis, Bette
339. Davis, Geena
340. Davis, Warwick
341. Dawson, Rosario
342. Day, Doris
343. Day-Lewis, Daniel
344. Dean, James
345. Del Toro, Benicio
346. Dench, Judi
347. DeNiro, Robert
348. Dennehy, Brian
349. Depp, Johnny
350. Dern, Laura
351. Deschannel, Zooey
352. DeVito, Danny
353. Diaz, Cameron
354. DiCaprio, Leonardo
355. Dietrich, Marlene
356. Dillon, Matt or Kevin
357. D'Onfrio, Vincent
358. Douglas, Kirk
359. Douglas, Michael
360. Dreyfuss, Richard
361. Duchovney, David
362. Dumont, Marilyn
363. Dunaway, Faye
364. Duncan, Michael Clarke
365. Dunst, Kirsten
366. Dutton, Charles S.
367. Duvall, Robert
368. Eastwood, Clint
369. Eckhart, Aaron
370. Edjiofor, Chiwetel
371. Elwes, Cary
372. Englund, Robert
373. Ermey, R. Lee
374. Estevez, Emilio
375. Everett, Rupert
376. Farina, Dennis
377. Farley, Chris
378. Feldman, Corey
379. Ferrell, Will
380. Ferrerr, Miguel
381. Fichtner, William
382. Field, Sally
383. Fields, W.C.
384. Fiennes, Ralph
385. Finch, Peter
386. Finney, Albert
387. Fishburne, Laurence
388. Fisher, Carrie
389. Fonda, Henry
390. Fonda, Jane or Bridget
391. Fonda, Peter
392. Ford, Harrison
393. Forster, Robert
394. Forsythe, William
395. Foster, Ben
396. Foster, Jodie
397. Fox, Michael J.
398. Foxx, Jamie
399. Fraser, Brendan
400. Freeman, Morgan
401. Furlong, Edward
402. Gable, Clark
403. Gandolfini, James
404. Garbo, Greta
405. Garcia, Andy
406. Gardener, Ava
407. Garland, Judy
408. Garner, James
409. Garner, Jennifer
410. Gemser, Laura
411. Gere, Richard
412. Giamatti, Paul
413. Gibson, Mel
414. Gleeson, Brendan
415. Glenn, Scott
416. Glover, Crispin
417. Goldberg, Whoopi
418. Goldblum, Jeff
419. Gooding Jr, Cuba
420. Goodman, John
421. Gould, Elliott
422. Graham, Heather
423. Grant, Cary
424. Green, Seth
425. Greene, Graham
426. Guinness, Alec
427. Gyllenhaal, Jake
428. Gyllenhaal, Maggie
429. Hackman, Gene
430. Haig, Sid
431. Hamilton, Linda
432. Hanks, Tom
433. Harlow, Jean
434. Harris, Ed
435. Hauer, Rutger
436. Hawn, Goldie
437. Hayek, Salma
438. Hayworth, Rita
439. Hedren, Tippi
440. Henriksen, Lance
441. Hepburn, Audrey
442. Hepburn, Katharine
443. Heston, Charlton
444. Hoffman, Dustin
445. Hoffman, Philip Seymour
446. Holbrook, Hal
447. Holden, William
448. Holm, Ian
449. Hong, James
450. Hopkins, Sir Anthony
451. Hopper, Dennis
452. Hoskins, Bob
453. Hounsou, Djimon
454. Hudson, Ernie
455. Hudson, Kate
456. Hudson, Rock
457. Hunt, Helen
458. Hunt, Linda
459. Hunter, Holly
460. Hurley, Elizabeth
461. Hurt, John
462. Hurt, William
463. Huston, Anjelica
464. Ice Cube
465. Idle, Eric
466. Irons, Jeremy
467. Ironside, Michael
468. Isaacs, Jason
469. Jackman, Hugh
470. Jackson, Samuel L.
471. Johansson, Scarlett
472. Jolie, Angelina
473. Jones, James Earl
474. Jones, Tommy Lee
475. Jones, Vinnie
476. Judd, Ashley
477. Kahn, Madeline
478. Karloff, Boris
479. Keaton, Buster
480. Keaton, Diane
481. Keaton, Michael
482. Keitel, Harvey
483. Kelly, Gene
484. Kelly, Grace
485. Kennedy, George
486. Kidder, Margot
487. Kidman, Nicole
488. Kier, Udo
489. Kilmer, Val
490. Kingsley, Ben
491. Kinnear, Greg
492. Knotts, Don
493. Kristofferson, Kris
494. Lancaster, Burt
495. Lane, Diane
496. Lange, Jessica
497. Laughton, Charles
498. Law, Jude
499. Lawrence, Martin
500. Leachman, Cloris
501. Leary, Denis
502. Ledger, Heath
503. Lee, Bruce
504. Lee, Christopher
505. Lee, Jason
506. Leigh, Janet
507. Lemmon, Jack
508. Lerner, Michael
509. Levy, Eugene
510. Li, Jet
511. Lindberg, Christina
512. Lindo, Delroy
513. Linney, Laura
514. Liotta, Ray
515. Lithgow, John
516. Lloyd, Christopher
517. Lloyd, Harold
518. Loggia, Robert
519. Lombard, Carole
520. Loren, Sophia
521. Lorre, Peter
522. Lugosi, Bela
523. MacMurray, Fred
524. Macy, William H.
525. Madsen, Michael
526. Madsen, Virginia
527. Maguire, Tobey
528. Malkovich, John
529. Mantegna, Joe
530. Martin, Steve
531. Marvin, Lee
532. Marx Brothers
533. Mason, James
534. Mastrantonio, Mary Elizabeth
535. McConaughey, Matthew
536. McDormand, Frances
537. McDowell, Malcolm
538. McGowan, Rose
539. McGregor, Ewan
540. McKellen, Ian
541. McQueen, Steve
542. Mifune, Toshirô
543. Miller, Dick
544. Miranda, Soledad
545. Mirren, Helen
546. Mitchum, Robert
547. Molina, Alfred
548. Monroe, Marilyn
549. Moore, Demi
550. Moore, Julianne
551. Moranis, Rick
552. Morita, Pat
553. Morse, David
554. Mortinsen, Viggo
555. Mosely, Bill
556. Murphy, Cilian
557. Murphy, Eddie
558. Murray, Bill
559. Myers, Mike
560. Naschy, Paul
561. Neeson, Liam
562. Neill, Sam
563. Nelson, Craig T.
564. Nelson, Tim Blake
565. Nero, Franco
566. Newman, Paul
567. Nicholson, Jack
568. Nielsen, Leslie
569. Nighy, Bill
570. Niven, David
571. Nolte, Nick
572. Norris, Chuck
573. Norton, Edward
574. Oates, Warren
575. Oldman, Gary
576. Olivier, Laurence
577. Olmos, Edward James
578. O'Toole, Peter
579. Owen, Clive
580. Pacino, Al
581. Paltrow, Gwyneth
582. Patrick, Robert
583. Paxton, Bill
584. Pearce, Guy
585. Peck, Gregory
586. Pegg, Simon
587. Penn, Sean
588. Pesci, Joe
589. Pfeiffer, Michelle
590. Phoenix, Joaquin
591. Phoenix, River
592. Pinon, Dominique
593. Pitt, Brad
594. Pleasance, Donald
595. Plummer, Christopher
596. Poitier, Sidney
597. Pollack, Kevin
598. Pollack, Sydney
599. Polly, Sarah
600. Portman, Natalie
601. Powell, William
602. Price, Vincent
603. Pullman, Bill
604. Quaid, Dennis
605. Quaid, Randy
606. Quigley, Linnea
607. Quinlan, Kathleen
608. Quinn, Anthony
609. Raft, George
610. Rains, Claude
611. Ramis, Harold
612. Ramsey, Anne
613. Ratzenberger, John
614. Redford, Robert
615. Reeve, Christopher
616. Reeves, Keanu
617. Reilly, John C.
618. Reno, Jean
619. Reynolds, Burt
620. Rhames, Ving
621. Rhys-Davies, John
622. Ribisi, Giovanni
623. Ricci, Christina
624. Rickman, Alan
625. Robards, Jason
626. Robbins, Tim
627. Roberts, Julia
628. Robinson, Edward G.
629. Rogen, Seth
630. Rooker, Michael
631. Rooney, Mickey
632. Rosellini, Isabella
633. Roth, Tim
634. Rourke, Mickey
635. Rudd, Paul
636. Rush, Geoffrey
637. Ruso, Rene
638. Russell, Kurt
639. Ryan, Meg
640. Ryder, Winona
641. Saint, Eva Marie
642. Sanada, Hiroyuki
643. Sandler, Adam
644. Sarandon, Susan
645. Saxon, John
646. Scheider, Roy
647. Schiavelli, Vincent
648. Schnieder, Rob
649. Schwartzman, Jason
650. Schwarzenegger, Arnold
651. Scott, George C.
652. Scott, Sean William
653. Seagall, Steven
654. Selleck, Tom
655. Sellers, Peter
656. Sewell, Rufus
657. Shatner, William
658. Sheen, Charlie
659. Sheen, Martin
660. Shimura, Takashi
661. Short, Martin
662. Siberdzija ,Rade
663. Sinatra, Frank
664. Sinise, Gary
665. Sizemore, Tom
666. Skarsgard, Stellan
667. Skerritt, Tom
668. Slater, Christian
669. Smith, Will
670. Snipes, Wesley
671. Spacey, Kevin
672. Stallone, Sylvester
673. Stamp, Terrence
674. Stanton, Harry Dean
675. Stanwyck, Barbara
676. Statham, Jason
677. Steenbergen, Mary
678. Steiger, Rod
679. Stewart, Jimmy
680. Stewart, Patrick
681. Stiles, Julia
682. Stiller, Ben
683. Stone, Sharon
684. Strathairn, David
685. Streep, Meryl
686. Streisand, Barbara
687. Stuart-Masterson, Mary
688. Sutherland, Donald
689. Sutherland, Keifer
690. Svenson, Bo
691. Swank, Hillary
692. Swinton, Tilda
693. Taghmaoui, Said
694. Tautou, Audrey
695. Taylor, Elizabeth
696. Theron, Charlize
697. Thewlis, David
698. Thomas, Sean Patrick
699. Thornton, Billy Bob
700. Thurman, Uma
701. Tierney, Gene
702. Tilly, Jennifer
703. Torn, Rip
704. Tracy, Spencer
705. Travolta, John
706. Trejo, Danny
707. Tucci, Stanley
708. Turner, Kathleen
709. Turner, Lana
710. Turturro, John
711. Van Damme, Jean Claude
712. Van Dyke, Dick
713. Vaughn, Vince
714. Voight, Jon
715. Von Sydow, Max
716. Wahlberg, Mark
717. Walken, Christopher
718. Walsh, J.T.
719. Walsh, M Emmet
720. Washington, Denzel
721. Watanabe, Ken
722. Wayne, John
723. Weathers, Carl
724. Weaver, Sigourney
725. Weaving, Hugo
726. Weisz, Rachel
727. Welch, Raquel
728. Welker, Frank
729. Welles, Orson
730. West, Mae
731. Whitaker, Forest
732. Wilder, Gene
733. Wilkinson, Tom
734. Williams, Robin
735. Williams, Treat
736. Williamson, Fred
737. Willis, Bruce
738. Wilson, Luke
739. Wilson, Owen
740. Winslet, Kate
741. Wise, Ray
742. Witherspoon, Reese
743. Woods, James
744. Woronov, Mary
745. Wright Penn, Robin
746. Yen, Donnie
747. Yeoh, Michelle
748. Yun Fat, Chow
749. Zeta-Jones, Catherine
750. Ziyi, Zhang

PRODUCERS
751. Apatow, Judd
752. Arad, Avi
753. Barber, Gary
754. Broccoli, Albert R.
755. Bruckheimer, Jerry
756. Burg, Mark
757. Corman, Roger
758. De Laurentis, Dino
759. Di Novi, Denise
760. Disney, Walt
761. Evans, Robert
762. Fellner, Eric
763. Friedman, David
764. Glickman, Jonathan
765. Gordon, Lawrence
766. Gordon, Mark
767. Grazer, Brian
768. Grey, Brad
769. Hill, Debra
770. Hurd, Gale Anne
771. Jacks, James
772. Johnson, Mark
773. Kennedy, Kathleen
774. Kroopf, Scott
775. Levin, Lloyd
776. Linson, Art
777. Marshall, Frank
778. Michaels, Lorne
779. Novak, Harry
780. Roach, Hal
781. Rudin, Scott
782. Selznick, David O
783. Shamberg, Michael
784. Shaw, Run Run
785. Shayes, Bob
786. Sher, Stacey
787. Silver, Jeffrey
788. Simpson, Don
789. Spiegel , Sam
790. Spielberg, Steven
791. Tapert, Robert
792. Thalberg, Irving
793. Wallis, Hal
794. Weinstein, Bob
795. Weinstein, Harvey
796. Weiss, George
797. Winkler, Irwin
798. Winter, Ralph
799. Zanuck, Darryl F.
800. Zanuck, Richard

[b]WRITERS[/b]
801. Allen, Woody
802. Chayefsky, Paddy
803. Eserhaus, Joe
804. Goldman, William
805. Gunn, James
806. Haggis, Paul
807. Hecht, Ben
808. Helgeland, Brian
809. Hughes, John
810. Kasdan, Lawrence
811. Kaufman, Charlie
812. Lehman, Ernest
813. Mamet, David
814. Mankiewicz, Herman or Joseph
815. Roth, Eric
816. Schrader, Paul
817. Simon, Neil
818. Sturges, Preston
819. Whedon, Joss
820. Zaillian, Steven

CINEMATOGRAPHERS
821. Almendros, Nestor
822. Ballhaus, Michael
823. Daviau, Allen
824. Deakins, Roger
825. Deschannel, Caleb
826. Fraker, William
827. Fujimoto, Tak
828. Goldblatt, Stephen
829. Hall, Conrad
830. Kaminski, Janusk
831. Kovacs, Laszlo
832. Laszlo, Ernest
833. Nykvist, Sven
834. Richardson, Robert
835. Roizmon, Owen
836. Seale, John
837. Storaro, Vittorio
838. Surtees, Robert L.
839. Toll, John
840. Wexler, Haskell
841. Willis, Gordon
842. Zsigmond, Vilmos

COMPOSERS
843. Bernstein, Elmer
844. Chaplin, Charlie
845. Elfman, Danny
846. Faltemeyer, Harold
847. Glass, Philip
848. Grusin, Dave
849. Herrman, Bernard
850. Horner, James
851. Mancini, Henry
852. Morricone, Ennio
853. Mothersbaugh, Mark
854. Newman, Alfred
855. Newman, Randy
856. Newton-Howard, James
857. Ortolani, Riz
858. Previn, Andre
859. Rota, Nino
860. Schifrin, Lalo
861. Shaiman, Marc
862. Shore, Howard
863. Williams, John
864. Zimmer, Hans

SPECIAL FX MAKEUP
865. Baker, Rick
866. Berger, Howard
867. Bottin, Rob
868. Cannom, Greg
869. Harryhausen, Ray
870. Nicotero, Gregory
871. Pierce, Jack
872. Savini, Tom
873. Smith, Dick
874. Westmore, Michael
875. Winston, Stan

THEMES / CATEGORIES
876. First Date
877. Mr. Right
878. Mr. Wrong
879. Smoking Gun
880. Red Herring
881. Prince Charming
882. A Hitman
883. Witness Protection
884. Undercover
885. Terrorism
886. Deaf/Dumb/Blind
887. Rom-Com
888. Watching a Sunrise / Sunset
889. Retirement
890. Wedding Day
891. Virginity
892. Freezing
893. World Domination
894. Breakout Role
895. Man's Best Friend
896. Tearjerker
897. Breaking Up is Hard to Do
898. Getting Back Together
899. Age of Innocence
900. Head Over Heels
901. Science Fiction
902. Shower Scene
903. A Great Disguise
904. Cemetery
905. Getting Drunk
906. Drug Abuse
907. Recreational Drug Use
908. Suicide
909. Message Movie
910. Antarctica
911. A Galaxy Far, Far Away
912. The Apocalypse
913. Hong Kong
914. Slapstick
915. Full Frontal Nudity - male
916. Full Frontal Nudity – female
917. Horrid CG
918. Badas$ Bikers
919. Eurotrash
920. Spaghetti West
921. Nuns
922. Smokin' Dope
923. Hallucination
924. Teen Comedy
925. The Good Die Young
926. Sexy Comedy
927. Old Age
928. Movies By Decade: 20's
929. Movies By Decade: 30's
930. Movies By Decade: 40's
931. Movies By Decade: 50's
932. Movies By Decade: 60's
933. Movies By Decade: 70's
934. Movies By Decade: 80's
935. Movies By Decade: 90's
936. Movies By Decade: 2000's
937. Discrimination
938. Obsessive Compulsive
939. Hail Caesar
940. Roasting on an Open Fire
941. For the Bible Tells Me So
942. Never Ending Ammo
943. Left at the Altar
944. Rapper/Actor
945. Possessed Car
946. An Experimental Film
947. Dance Montage
948. Female Protagonist
949. Documentary
950. Concert Film
951. Torture
952. Wrong Place, Wrong Time
953. Right Place, Right Time
954. Sibling Rivalry
955. Cult Classic
956. Animal Attack
957. The Big Apple
958. Psychic Powers
959. A Biopic
960. A Haunted House
961. A Femme Fatale
962. Broken Heart
963. Bachelor Party
964. Abuse of Power
965. TV Personality Playing Themselves
966. Politician Playing Themselves
967. Athlete Playing Themselves
968. Actor Playing Themselves
969. Title Spoken by Character
970. Baby on Board
971. Body Count Over 10
972. Body Count Over 25
973. Body Count Over 50
974. Body Count Over 100
975. Body Count Zero in a Horror Movie
976. The Open Road
977. Private Eyes
978. Performance by a Real Band
979. Horse Race
980. Putting Work First
981. Putting Family First
982. Bad Guy Comes Back for One Last Scare
983. An Awful Accent
984. Frat Party
985. An Anthology
986. Asian Horror
987. Country Boy
988. Cameo
989. Uncredited Cameo
990. Friends Forever
991. Hostage Situation
992. Nazis
993. Blackmail
994. Buried/Hidden Treasure
995. Famous Actor Directing
996. Famous Director Acting
997. Directorial Debut
998. Fly the Friendly Skies
999. Skinny Dipping
1000. A Motivational Speech
1001. Miniature Golf
1002. Under Arrest
1003. In Prison
1004. Straight to Video Sequel
1005. Catching Some Waves
1006. Drinking Some Brews
1007. Warp Speed
1008. Stop Motion
1009. Slow Motion
1010. IMDb Bottom 100: 1-33
1011. IMDb Bottom 100: 34-66
1012. IMDb Bottom 100: 67-100
1013. IMDb Top 250: 1-50
1014. IMDb Top 250: 51-100
1015. IMDb Top 250: 101-150
1016. IMDb Top 250: 151 - 200
1017. IMDb Top 250: 201-250
1018. Set in Your Home State (or Country for the non US types)
1019. Cyberpunk
1020. Steampunk
1021. Jilted Lover
1022. Roses are Red
1023. A Grifter
1024. An Odd Couple
1025. Giallo
1026. Out to Sea
1027. High School
1028. Divorce
1029. Lesson Learned
1030. Evil Incarnate
1031. Life on Mars
1032. A Poker Game
1033. On their Death Bed
1034. I'll Wait for You
1035. Snowball Fight
1036. A Night at the Opera
1037. Genocide
1038. A Clown
1039. Cast of Thousands
1040. Gay / Lesbian Interest
1041. Stranger in a Strange Land
1042. Breaking the Fourth Wall
1043. What the @#^%?
1044. Studio Backlot
1045. Hula Girl
1046. Dirty Commies
1047. Featuring: Joan of Arc
1048. Featuring: Abe Lincoln
1049. Featuring: George Washington
1050. Featuring: Napoleon
1051. Featuring: Jesus
1052. Featuring: JFK
1053. Featuring: Robert E Lee
1054. Featuring: Hitler
1055. Featuring: Santa Claus
1056. Featuring: Dracula
1057. Featuring: Frankenstein’s Monster
1058. Featuring: James Bond
1059. Featuring: Robin Hood
1060. Featuring: Godzilla
1061. Featuring: King Arthur
1062. Mind Control
1063. Burning Rubber
1064. Thug Life
1065. Religion
1066. Politics
1067. Superheroes
1068. Not Based on a Comic Superhero
1069. Plastic Surgery
1070. Fantasy
1071. Sports Film: Fictional
1072. Sports Film: Based on a True Story
1073. From the Grindhouse
1074. From the Arthouse
1075. Hitchhiker
1076. Paralyzed
1077. Holiday Film
1078. Utopian
1079. Dystopian
1080. An Action/Adventure Movie
1081. Ladies of the Night
1082. Bigfoot
1083. Storybook Ending
1084. A Hard Knock Life
1085. Not Available on DVD
1086. Parking Garage
1087. Looney Bin
1088. National Lampoon Presents
1089. Hippies
1090. An Art Film
1091. Barbarians
1092. Kissing in the Rain
1093. Foreign Language - Arabic
1094. Foreign Language - Chinese
1095. Foreign Language - French
1096. Foreign Language - German
1097. Foreign Language - Italian
1098. Foreign Language - Japanese
1099. Foreign Language – Korean
1100. Foreign Language - Portuguese
1101. Foreign Language - Russian
1102. Foreign Language - Spanish
1103. Foreign Language – Swedish
1104. Foreign Language - Turkish
1105. Foreign Language - Other
1106. An Affair
1107. Nervous Breakdown
1108. Running Late
1109. Bounty Hunter
1110. Custody Battle
1111. Exotic Dancers
1112. A Gambler
1113. Welcome to the Jungle
1114. SCUBA
1115. Twins
1116. Birthday Party
1117. Puppets
1118. Mariachi Band
1119. Single Parent
1120. Follow that Cab!
1121. A Library
1122. Movie Within a Movie
1123. Dinosaurs
1124. Street Fighting Man
1125. Homage
1126. Vampires
1127. Locked Up
1128. At the Morgue
1129. Shakespeare
1130. Musical
1131. An Explosion
1132. A Silent Film
1133. Epic
1134. Playing Cards
1135. Satanic Ritual
1136. No Opening Credits
1137. Prisoners of War
1138. Sword Fight
1139. Adultery
1140. Revenge
1141. Spies
1142. Comedy
1143. Martial Arts
1144. Spinning Newspaper Headlines
1145. Pumping Iron
1146. Founding Fathers
1147. Men in Uniform
1148. A Klutz
1149. All or Nothing
1150. BC Times
1151. Who Am I?
1152. Exploitation
1153. You Stop, You Die
1154. Mercenaries
1155. Big Name Actor Killed Early
1156. Ancient Mythology
1157. Soooo Fast
1158. A Mountain Expedition
1159. Samurai Swords
1160. Jousting
1161. I Thought You Were Dead
1162. Based on a: Novel
1163. Based on a: Short Story
1164. Based on a: Comic Book
1165. Based on a: Video Game
1166. Based on a: Play
1167. Based on a: Television Show
1168. Based on a: True Story
1169. Based on a : Poem
1170. Based on a : SNL Sketch
1171. Remake of a Foreign Film
1172. Remake of an American Film
1173. A Mummy
1174. Rise to Power
1175. Great Soundtrack
1176. Plane Crash
1177. It’s a Set Up
1178. This is a Stick Up
1179. Film Noir
1180. A Wrong Turn
1181. Strike it Rich
1182. True Love
1183. A National Monument
1184. A Western
1185. On the Lam
1186. Courtroom Drama
1187. Erotic Thriller
1188. 3-D Animation
1189. Traditional Animation
1190. A Disney Classic: Live Action
1191. A Disney Classic: Animated
1192. Anime
1193. Giant Mutant Animal
1194. College Campus
1195. Best Night Ever
1196. A Duo
1197. Zombies
1198. Almost There
1199. The City of Angels
1200. A Funeral
1201. Witches
1202. Magical Creatures
1203. The Prom
1204. Booby Trap
1205. Sexploitation
1206. An Annoying Creature
1207. Cut the Red Wire
1208. Oscar Winner: Best Picture
1209. Oscar Winner: Best Actor
1210. Oscar Winner: Best Actress
1211. Oscar Winner: Best Adapted Screenplay
1212. Oscar Winner: Best Art Direction
1213. Oscar Winner: Best Cinematography
1214. Oscar Winner: Best Costume Design
1215. Oscar Winner: Best Director
1216. Oscar Winner: Best Documentary
1217. Oscar Winner: Best Editing
1218. Oscar Winner: Best Foreign Language Film
1219. Oscar Winner: Best Makeup
1220. Oscar Winner: Best Original Screenplay
1221. Oscar Winner: Best Song or Score
1222. Oscar Winner: Best Sound Editing
1223. Oscar Winner: Best Sound Mixing
1224. Oscar Winner: Best Supporting Actor
1225. Oscar Winner: Best Supporting Actress
1226. Oscar Winner: Best Visual Effects
1227. Raspberry Award Winner: Worst Picture
1228. Raspberry Award Winner: Worst Actor
1229. Raspberry Award Winner: Worst Actress
1230. Raspberry Award Winner: Worst Director
1231. Forgery
1232. South America
1233. Soccer Hooligans
1234. I’m Getting Out
1235. A Guitar Case
1236. Mad Scientist
1237. Family Vacation
1238. Bank Robbery
1239. Coming of Age
1240. Masked Maniac
1241. A Leak
1242. On the Farm
1243. A Counterfeit
1244. A Conspiracy
1245. Down on the Farm
1246. It’s Magic!
1247. Radiation Poisoning
1248. Car Off a Cliff Explosion
1249. A Board Game
1250. Time Travel
1251. Watched with Commentary (repeat viewing OK)
1252. Obvious Product Placement
1253. Aliens
1254. A Double Cross
1255. A Video Nasty
1256. Gone Fishing
1257. A Werewolf
1258. A Period Piece
1259. On Top of the World
1260. A Midget / Little Person / Dwarf
1261. Got the Munchies
1262. A Beautiful Moment
1263. An Excess of Manliness
1264. A B.A.M.F.
1265. Everyone Loves to Hate Him/Her
1266. Contrasting Stories
1267. A Sniper
1268. Delusions
1269. PTSD
1270. London, England
1271. Paris, France
1272. On the Train
1273. The Windy City
1274. A Robot
1275. A Precious Stone
1276. Sugar and Spice
1277. A Holiday Horror
1278. Traffic Jam
1279. Australia
1280. A Collector
1281. Blaxploitation
1282. Everything is Not What it Seems
1283. Psycho Ex-Girlfriend
1284. Talking Animals
1285. Rape
1286. Rock’N’Roll
1287. Riot on the Streets
1288.Mass Hysteria
1289. La Cosa Nostra
1290. An Amusement Park
1291. Punk
1292. Hip-Hop
1293. Modern Movie filmed in Black and White
1294. Narration
1295. Cowboys and Indians
1296. Invasion
1297. Children Run Amuck
1298. First of a Series
1299. A Chick Flick
1300. The Rat Pack
1301. The Brat Pack
1302. The Frat Pack
1303. The Splat Pack
1304. Arms Dealer
1305. In a Submarine
1306. Samurai
1307. B-Movie
1308. Electrocution
1309. Vulgarity/Profanity
1310. Dark Comedy
1311. Black Comedy
1312. A Dogfight
1313. Wagons Ho
1314. Africa
1315. A Secret
1316. A Monkey
1317. Pirates
1318. Sailing
1319. Women in Prison
1320. A Hobo
1321. Horror Comedy
1322. Boys Will Be Boys
1323. Boarding School
1324. Snobbery
1325. Shockumentary
1326. We’re Number One
1327. Death by: A Chainsaw
1328. Death by: A Knife
1329. Death by: A Machete
1330. Death by: A Meat Hook
1331. Death by: A Really Nasty Bite
1332. Death by: A Gardening Tool
1333. Death by: A Scythe
1334. Death by: An Axe
1335. Death by: Bludgeon
1336. Death by: Poison
1337. Villain Explains Evil Plot
1338. A Cover Up
1339. Blatant Rip Off
1340. Down in the Sewers
1341. A Fairy Tale
1342. I Can Fly!
1343. Drug Dealer
1344. Dream Sequence
1345. World War I
1346. World War II
1347. The Civil War
1348. The American Revolution
1349. The French Revolution
1350. The Vietnam War
1351. The Cold War
1352. War in the Middle East
1353. The Great Depression
1354. The Roaring 20s
1355. A Guilty Pleasure
1356. Drug Overdose
1357. What Happens in Vegas
1358. A Natural Disaster
1359. An Unnatural Disaster
1360. A Phobia
1361. Hit in the Crotch
1362. A Truck Stop
1363. When in Rome
1364. Deus Ex Machina
1365. Ensemble Cast
1366. Greed
1367. Sloth
1368. Gluttony
1369. Envy
1370. Pride
1371. Wrath
1372. Lust
1373. A Nightmare
1374. Dragons
1375. Intensive Care Unit
1376. Spears and Sandals
1377. Wizards
1378. AFI top 100: 1-20
1379. AFI top 100: 21-40
1380. AFI top 100: 41-60
1381. AFI top 100: 61-80
1382. AFI top 100: 81-100
1383. At the Beach
1384. Guilty Conscience
1385. Ninjas
1386. Pimps and Hos
1387. A Bar
1388. Badly Dubbed Kung Fu Movie
1389. Kidnapping
1390. Slavery
1391. Depression
1392. Mistaken Identity
1393. A Spoof
1394. Actor Playing Multiple Roles
1395. Car Chase
1396. Kaiju
1397. An Indie
1398. A Childhood Icon
1399. Amnesia
1400. Scene After the Credits

Anyone who wants to join in, please do so - it'z FUN!

(This list was compiled by various members of FilmTalk, and I think I suggested one or two, but I DID NOT make this - just giving credit where it's due)

On January 1st, I will make another post showing my own list (rather than slotting them into this one, I'll only post the ones I've completed).

Until then... Yeah. Come on peeps (Hint-hint, Ariel), let's get it on!

Film Review - "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" (1985)

Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure
1985
Tim Burton
This is the Burton movie that most people forget about; but after not long ago seeing two of his more recent and acclaimed films, Big Fish and Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, I thought, hell, why not revisit the aspergers-stricken pseudo-Goth’s humble beginnings? Though this isn’t the first film he made (he had made two short films prior to this, those being Vincent and Frankenweenie, the latter of which is now rumored to have a full-length adaptation, still from Burton, in the works), but it is his feature-length debut.
Everyone is familiar with Pee-Wee Herman, and, though the character had been used by comedian Paul Ruebens in stand-up acts and the like for many years before this movie, it was Tim Burton’s film that brought the character into the general public’s eye, introduced him to children everywhere, and created a pop-culture icon of the 80’s.
The movie introduces us to Pee-Wee Herman, a beloved (and slightly creepy) man-child whose tricked-out bicycle is his entire life. When this bike is stolen, it turns Pee-Wee’s world upside-down, and so he embarks on an epic cross-country crusade to reclaim what was stolen from him and kick some bad guy butt.

Tim Burton fans, as I said earlier, often forget this movie; for most of them, his Filmography pretty much starts at Beetlejuice. It’s not because this is a bad movie; nay, this movie is seen as one of the greatest ‘family comedies’ of the 80’s, and is looked upon very fondly by people who grew up with it, usually both with nostalgia and with admiration at how well it has held up today. Rather, Timmy just doesn’t seem to know exactly what kind of director he wants to be yet. Sure, it has all the earmarks of a good Burton film – lots of quirkiness and satire, some great and at times surrealistic art direction/set design, some real dang purdy stop-motion, and a kickass score by Danny Elfman – and it’s much more obviously a Tim Burton film than his dreadful Planet of the Apes remake (for which I’m totally convinced that he was just a hired studio goon with no creative control). Tim just has that debut nervousness, and even still, it’s not nearly as bad as it is with most directors; in both quality and comparison with his other works, it’s a lot better than most debuts are.
Paul Ruebens is fucking hilarious as Pee-Wee. I swear to god I’ve almost pissed myself laughing at his acting several times. He’s really the highlight of the film – almost everyone else is just a passing, incidental character (which, frankly, is a good thing, because there’s some really cringe-worthy acting in this movie).
The humor in this movie is varied enough to keep things from getting boring. We’ve got slapstick, dry wit, bizarre and amusing quotables, absurdism… Basically, there’s something for everyone to laugh at. Interestingly enough, the screenplay was co-written by the late great Phil Hartman, so that should be all the indication you need to know that this movie is fairly funny.
The thing I must stress the most is that you shouldn’t be ‘embarrassed’ to watch this because it looks like a silly little children’s film. It’s one of those movies that you can truly find entertaining no matter what age you are, and it marks the first big step in the evolution of one of the most unique, incredible filmmakers to ever grace Hollywood with his presence.
RATING: 9/10

Film Review - "Monster" (2003)

Monster
2003
Patty Jenkins
Despite what I’ve heard about this, I had little enthusiasm for it. The only reason I saw it was because I got the DVD for free. Now that I’ve seen it, I must say… I would gladly have paid full price for it, if not even more, because this is one of my favorite movies now.

It’s based on a true story. Our main character is a haggard old street whore named Aileen. She meets Selby, a teenaged lesbian who is facing turbulent times after her Christian family disowns her. The two quickly become the best of friends, and over time, it turns into a romance. Despite her every attempt to give up prostitution and get a legitimate career to support herself and Selby, the world keeps shoveling shit in her face because, hey, who cares about druggie hookers? Then, one night, when she’s with a customer, he knocks her unconscious, ties her up and gags her, then beats and rapes her all to hell. As soon as she gets a chance, she promptly whips out her revolver and blows the assailant away. She steals his clothes, his car and his cash, and keeps incognito for a while. She is resistant to tell Selby, but once she explains it to her that it was in self-defense, she understands. So, the two try to stay as hidden as possible for a while… Until they need more money. Aileen goes back to prostitution, and now she has an ever-growing hatred and resentment towards humanity that culminates in another murder and subsequent Scrooge McDucking in the victim’s cash for a while. Aileen’s mental state deteriorates as she eventually starts killing every trick she turns, without even caring about the cash – she’s so disgusted with the world and is taking revenge on it for its fucking her over at every possible point in her life.
Charlize Theron won an Oscar for her portrayal of Aileen, and she completely and utterly deserved it. You can’t even tell it’s Charlize; her appearance, her mannerisms, and everything else – she is totally into character and never breaks it for a second. She’s intense, very real, and we can sympathize with her despite being revolted by her actions… And Charlize absolutely sells the whole thing. Christina Ricci is great as Selby, and plays her with this youthful naiveté and wide-eyed innocence which both clashes and magnetizes with Aileen’s world-weary cynicism and ‘street wisdom’.
The atmosphere of the film is very grungy and indy-like, and it helps the hopeless attitude of everything. Despite having a great romance, the movie is depressing as all hell, and the ending, abstractly touching as it may be, is just fucking brutal. It’s the emotional equivalent of being anally raped with a carrot for two hours, and then, as the kicker, having said carrot stuffed into your mouth. The most disturbing thing, however, is that her big rant towards the end justifying her actions actually makes sense. So in the end, you have a dark movie that not only toys with your emotions, but also really makes you think about its philosophical implications. Thank God for buy-one-get-one-free…
RATING: 10/10

Film Review - "Bad Lieutenant" (1992)

Bad Lieutenant
1992
Abel Ferrara
This is just one of those movies – not mainstream by any stretch of the imagination, and as such, not really well-known, but having almost universal acclaim from pretty much everyone who saw it, cynical nerds and revered critics alike. It’s higher up on the class hierarchy than a cult film, but not high enough to get a decent DVD release or stay out of the $5 bargain bin. It’s just stuck floating in that purgatory where psychology/philosophy/sociology geeks and intensely depressed people adore it, the Hollywood Machine ignores it, and whenever someone from the general moviegoing public happens to stumble upon it, they are bored, offended and/or frightened beyond measure, leaving them to attack fans of the film as being freaks. Yes… Those types of movies.
Welcome to Bad Lieutenant. The titular character is a real piece of shit. He steals evidence (drugs) to use and/or sell on the streets, he makes absurd wagers on sports games with shady characters despite repeated warnings from others of the very tangible threat it poses to his wife and young children, he takes sexual favors from teenaged girls in exchange for looking the other way – in other words, he’s a bad, bad lieutenant. Under all this scumfuckery, however, beats the heart of a lonely, sad man who knows he’s a bastard and desperately wants to redeem himself. He gets a chance when he takes on a case involving a young nun being viciously raped and beaten by two teenagers. He sets out for justice, hoping to wash his soul clean in the eyes of God, or at the very least, himself.

There are many things to this film, some of which don’t immediately make themselves apparent. For one, there is very, very little music in the film. We occasionally hear some music coming from televisions or radios within the context of the film, but they are part of the city ambience that haunts every second of the film. We do get some external background music in two or three scenes, but if I’m remembering correctly, at least one of them is a dream sequence, so that somewhat excuses it. Another important thing is the overall gritty, grimy feel of the film, very similar to Taxi Driver. Unlike Taxi Driver, however, this film stays pretty much in a constant state of misery and anguish, even during and after the so-called ‘redemption’ of the protagonist. It’s a sense of cruel irony, adding to the soul-crushing atmosphere of sadness that drags itself through the entire film like a half-dead animal.
Harvey Keitel gives the performance of his life here, and it’s a crime that he didn’t win some kind of award recognizing the sheer agony that he fills the character with.
Practically every aspect of this film is, in my eyes, perfect. To describe it as to-the-point as possible, it’s a highly disturbing melodrama and deep character study, and in that respect it is very similar to another favorite, Clean, Shaven. Just be warned that you should probably be depressed and/or horribly bitter when you watch this – it will help you understand the film better, and it’s better to go into the movie feeling depressed than to be made depressed by the movie, amirite?
RATING: 10/10

Auditory Rape

It feels like forever since I last posted on here. It feels even longer because I was targeted by blogger's spam filter for some reason.

Anyway, my art class (the same one I did the short film for) final project is coming up, and I'm going to create a musical piece for this. I'll detail my progress as I go, but my plan is for it to be an epic industrial soundscape full of noise and anger. That's a lame description, but meh.

Dreams #2

Welcome to round two, kiddies! Can you dig it?

Our new neighbor is a friendly young guy who just came in from England and is in America for the first time (and has an odd resemblance to Tim Roth). I become close friends with him, and we spend a lot of time getting high and playing videogames. One evening, we decide to go to Chuck-E-Cheese (the top floor of which is a casino, complete with guys in the character suits handing out booze). While there, I excuse myself to the restroom. Because of a drug I had taken earlier that day, my piss is bright pink and smells strongly of paint and Pepto-Bismol. It also stings horribly. This is a regular symptom of the particular drug I took. The security cameras that the restaurant has in the restrooms sees this, and as soon as I leave the restroom, I am approached by security guards who want me to come with them. My friend sees this, and reveals his shotgun, tossing me another one. We rob the place, but before we can leave, some of the guys in character suits appear with heavy weaponry, initiating a huge firefight. My friend is shot and killed, but I escape.

I died and went to Heaven, which was like a big quiet beach resort. I got to hang out with Divine and Hunter S. Thompson, the three of us deciding to start a talk show where we interviewed famous dead people like Kurt Cobain and JFK.

I was staying at the beach, got stalked by Kenny Loggins, who turned out to be a demon, (he teleported the hotel out into the middle of the ocean and made us get attacked by giant carnivorous manta rays), only to be rescued by Sleazy Peter Christopherson, Nivek Ogre, Trent Reznor and, oddly, one of the girls from PuffyAmiYumi, with Reznor getting killed and those other guys having a tribute concert, playing NIN songs in his honor.

I’m the leader of a mercenary squad, and the mission is to assassinate Jabba the Hutt before he can finance another Special Edition re-release of the original Star Wars trilogy by George Lucas (one of the potential changes being “Bart Simpson shoots first”). We find Jabba’s secret base of operations by looking at his MySpace page. When we get there, however, he is expecting us, and we are captured and subjected to horrifyingly gruesome tortures, such as trapping one of the team members in a paralyzed, still position and having buzzsaws slowly approach him from every direction (something like half-an-inch per second) – both sides, underneath, and above – until the saws collide, no matter what is between them all. I convince one of his Twi'lek cocktail waitresses to free me, and then I sneak into his docking bay and steal one of his ships. Before I fly away, I turn around and blast the hell out of Jabba's island base and eventually sinking it.

Scientists determine that, due to global warming, we only have one year left before the end of the world. There are riots, mass suicides, and everybody generally becomes an unfriendly asshole. During the last week, I go to the mall and have a huge fight (literally, we’re beating the hell out of each other) with my friend Lauren Carraman over the last tub of ice cream (the kicker being that, in real life, Lauren is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known). On the final day, I go to a symbolic funeral for Earth (taking place in someone’s apartment), where we are all going to spend our final hours alive. As I’m driving there, the tires on my car melt, so I have to get out and walk. Birds have fallen out of the sky and melted onto the sidewalks and there are flaming pieces of paper blowing in the breeze. Once I get to the party, we all drink wine and eat turkey and ice cream while wearing black suits and sunglasses. When the final minute comes, we all do a countdown (kind of like they do on New Year’s Eve) as the world goes up in a cinder.

That's all for now. Tune in next episode - same bat-time, same bat-channel!

Film Review - "The Man Who Fell to Earth" (1976)

The Man Who Fell to Earth
1976
Nicholas Roeg

The novel that this film is based upon is my favorite sci-fi novel of all time, I love David Bowie, and Nicholas Roeg is considered one of the best ‘artsy’ directors ever (Criterion sure loves the guy, so that must be saying something), so I was ecstatic about this film. Perhaps that’s why I feel a little bit let down… Oh, who am I kidding? This movie was just plain disappointing. I feel like Criterion owes me my money back for their overpriced release of this dud.
The plot is awesome… David Bowie plays TJ Newton, an alien from a dying planet who comes to Earth planning to become a mega-billionaire by putting patents on his super-advanced alien technology, and then building a ship to shuttle his people back and forth from his planet, so they can disguise themselves as humans, occupy positions of power, and then stop the dumbass humans from using up all the Earth’s resources and nuking themselves like Newton’s people did. However, along the way, TJ hits several snags, such as that painful, confusing thing called love, and discovering his fondness for alcohol and carnal pleasures… To say nothing of the government, who’s watching him very, very closely.
David Bowie was the perfect choice to play TJ Newton – he was Ziggy Stardust, man! However, it is Bowie’s presence in the film that brings up one of the things that annoyed me the most: if some random guy had been playing TJ and not a rock-&-roll sex symbol, I doubt Mr. Roeg would have felt the need to film rather graphic, really long sex scenes. Sure, we get to see Bowie’s dick, which is very nice, but it just slows the film to a crawl. And I suppose the scenes would be there no matter who played the role, since other characters have these hyper-extended pseudo-porn scenes as well (really, I do not need to see Rip Torn in the nude, no matter how experimental I’m feeling).
Another thing that irritated me is how confusing the movie is; if I hadn’t read the book first, I would be completely and utterly lost on what’s happening. And even having read the book, I was still terribly fucking confused. Things like irritating camera work (pointless zooming in and out during dialogue scenes) and huge jumps in the timeline from scene to scene with no indication that any time has passed just make the movie a chore to watch at times. Also, though Bowie kicks unholy ass, there’s some pretty cringe-worthy acting from other people here.
One thing that is important to note is that apparently, upon its initial release in the USA, it was heavily cut, and ended up over half an hour shorter. I must say, as disjointed as the movie already is, I would hate to have been one of the poor fools seeing the movie in an American cinema back in 1976…
I was extremely let down by the flaming wreck of a movie I was presented with. Criterion, you guys can do better… The only other movie I’ve seen from Roeg is The Witches, which I rather liked, so I’ll probably watch another one or two from him just to make sure I didn’t land on a creative slump with this one.

RATING: 4.5/10

Film Review - "Heavy Metal" (1981)

Heavy Metal
1981
Gerald Potterton

This is a huge cult classic 80’s relic, and damned if it isn’t downright fuckin’ rad. Based on a hugely popular sci-fi/fantasy comic series ‘for adults’ (not as in pornographic – more akin to a more modern and more serious EC comic) that was a smash hit in the 70’s and 80’s, this is a very R-rated animation anthology (with each segment being done by different artists, thus having a different style). The basic wraparound storyline is about a malevolent green orb (called the Loc-Nar) that is, essentially, the root of all evil in the universe. It is highly sought-after, despite the fact that it pretty much kills anyone who comes in contact with it. The first story is about Harry Canyon, a cabbie in a super-futuristic New York City complete with flying cars, robots, and ‘illegal aliens’ that actually are aliens… The place is still a dump, though. Anyway, Canyon gets caught up in some nasty mob business when the Loc-Nar finds its way into the Big Apple. The second story is about Den, a geeky teenager (played hilariously by John Candy) who finds the Loc-Nar and experiments on it, only to be transported into an alternate fantasy dimension where he becomes a muscle-bound hero fighting to save the girl. The third story is about the trial of Captain Lincoln Sternn, the most despicable man in the galaxy, guilty of twelve counts of first-degree murder, fourteen counts of armed robbery, twenty-two counts of deep-space piracy, eighteen counts of capitol fraud, thirty-seven counts of rape, and one moving violation. The fourth story is about a WWII plane filled with dead soldiers who are returned from the dead as zombies when the plane comes in contact with the Loc-Nar. The fifth story is about two stoner aliens and their horny robot sidekick (the latter of which is once again played to hilarious perfection by John Candy). The sixth, final, and longest segment is an epic action-fantasy story about a warrior woman who goes to battle against a cyborg tyrant and his violent armies, threatening to destroy the world.
Sure, this movie is little more than an entirely gratuitous teenage male fantasy, but dammit, it’s a really fun movie to just relax and watch. There’s loads of fairly graphic cartoon sex and super-graphic cartoon violence, but that sort of thing is a lot of fun every once in a while.
The acting is pretty notable, mostly for the fact that John Candy, Eugene Levy and Harold Ramis all play several characters apiece and offer their comedic genius (and, though he doesn’t act, Ivan Ghostbusters Reitman produced the film).
The soundtrack is another place where the film shines. I love when we see good licensed music in a cartoon. Black Sabbath? Devo? Blue Oyster Cult? Cheap Trick? Hell yeah! Add to that an awesome score by Elmer Bernstein (who was probably one of my favorite film composers), and you’ve got a soundtrack that makes everything else five times cooler.
The animation is really kickass here, too. It’s got that 80’s feel to it most of the time, which I just love, but it’s also really ahead of its time in some certain places. As stated earlier, each segment has its own distinctly different animation style; the Den segment is clearly inspired by Frank Frazetta, while the Captain Sternn segment has a cheesy, cartoonish style with big eyes, square jaws, etc. and the WWII segment is drawn realistically, with some very grotesque gore and genuinely creepy zombies.
Is it a profound, thought-provoking film? Hell no. Is it without artistic merit? Not necessarily. Putting aside personal tastes for a minute, I feel that this film is a great time capsule from the early 80’s and an important part of the history of American animation. Now, as far as personal taste goes… I seriously love this movie. As much of a dumb, testosterone-laden film this could have been, the guys making it knew not to take it too seriously, so it has a great sense of humor about it that makes it so much more enjoyable and memorable in the long run. This honestly deserves every ounce of its cult classic status. It’s not even a guilty pleasure for me; I wear my status as a hardcore Heavy Metal fan with pride.
RATING: 10/10

Film Review - "I Spit on Your Grave" (1978)

I Spit on Your Grave
1978
Meir Zarchi

This is one of the big boys – one of the most notorious exploitation films in the world, infamously brutal, and famously beaten down hard by Roger Ebert. Yessir, that must be it – the film that has gone under about a dozen different names, but is most famously referred to as I Spit on Your Grave (or, as Joe Bob Briggs says that you’re supposed to pronounce it based on the trailer, “I Spit… on Your Grave”).
The plot is pretty much standard rape-revenge fare: Jennifer Hill, a New York feminist writer, moves out to the country so she can write the great American romance novel. Once there, she is eyed by a gang of chauvinistic rednecks, and soon enough, they’ve chased her down and are raping her in what holds the record as the longest continuous rape scene in motion picture history. Left for dead but still barely alive, she plots a violent revenge, and sets out to distribute some serious poetic justice.
Though many have accused this film of being dangerously misogynistic and glorifying rape, when viewed closely, it is actually a very feministic movie. The film quite obviously ‘sides’ with Jennifer, and the disturbing length and intensity of the rape scene served (at least in my eyes) as a way of making us despise the antagonists (who happen to be the only male characters in the movie) even more so that we’re excited to see them get their ironic comeuppance.
One of the things that sets this film apart and ups the levels of creepiness is that it’s filmed like a documentary. There’s no music anywhere in the film, the colors look very dull and depressing, and so on.
The actors are mostly good here. Camille Keaton, who plays Jennifer, seriously deserves some kind of award for her performance. She doesn’t speak much, but her facial expressions and body language tell us exactly what the character’s thinking. The rapists are made very easy to despise, thanks in no small part to the actors being particularly nasty with their roles, although the actor playing the retarded guy tends to overact and go all Jerry Lewis, which kind of takes away from the film overall (but I admit that it does make for a few laughs now and again).
The special effects deserve a special mention here. Oh, wait… What special effects? That’s right; the minimalist form that defines most of the film is about as low-budget as it gets, but it works for the most part far better than any special effects ever could have in some scenes (like the especially well-known castration scene, which is undoubtedly the cheapest ‘effect’ in the film, but is also the most powerful). Sure, this is kind of wrecked when we get some hideous attempts at make-up effects at the end of the film, but they still aren’t crappy enough to take back all the awesomeness from the rest of the movie.
This type of movie can be hard to defend in an artistic sense; most of the time, they are just as their detractors call them: sleaze. It’s all just a matter of taste. However, I must say that this one definitely stands out as being somewhat deeper and thus deserving more serious credit than most movies like this. Just go see what Joe Bob Briggs had to say about it – he gets it across a lot better than I ever could. But anyway, this is one of my favorite revenge-exploitation movies, and it helped me to develop my love for said subgenre.

RATING: 7.5/10

Film Review - "Happiness" (1998)

Happiness
1998
Todd Solondz

Based on tons of recommendations, I sought this one out for a while. Once I got it, I was so afraid that I would be disappointed, because hype always gives me unrealistic expectations. I finally got a copy of this, and lo and behold, it’s every bit as awesome as I thought it was going to be.

The film is an ensemble piece. The central characters are three upper-middle-class suburban sisters, but we focus on pretty much everyone related to them in some way. The first sister is an acclaimed novelist. She’s a cold, spoiled bitch, and spends most of the movie lamenting about how much she hates being admired, and eventually throws a damn hissy-fit because she wasn’t raped as a child and therefore can’t write about it effectively. So, she goes from there intentionally putting herself into potentially dangerous situations, namely with her middle-aged drunken pervert neighbor who also happens to be an obscene phone caller. The neighbor also has a story arc, mainly about his quest for sex while endlessly rejecting/ignoring his other neighbor, a lonely, overweight girl who obviously has a massive crush on him (pun not intended). The next sister is an over-emotional, aging single woman, and while she claims to be unloved, miserable and desperate, she’s actually dumping men just because they don’t fit her high standards. Eventually, she begins a relationship with a Russian student at the community college she teaches at, and even after he turns out to be a pimp and an abusive kleptomaniac, she stays with him happily simply so she can say she's in a relationship and that she feels 'needed' (and since I've been there, her situation is all the more bitterly humorous to me). The other sister is just a fucking stuck-up busybody bitch, plain and simple, who is always silently gloating to her sisters that she’s happily married with a wonderful husband, wonderful kids and a wonderful double-income that makes them practically rich. Unfortunately, she’s blissfully unaware that her perfect husband, a therapist, is actually a pedophile. This sister’s husband actually has a bigger role than she does, and he deserves it. Also, there’s a subplot where the oldest son (11 years old) is depressed because he isn’t able to reach orgasm when he masturbates, and has these creepy-yet-hilarious, completely deadpan conversations with his dad about these sexual customs. Oh yeah, we also get a look into these ladies’ parents, who are separated; the dad loves it because he was cheating all the time anyway, but the mom is upset because people keep forgetting that ‘separated’ and ‘divorced’ are not interchangeable terms, and whenever someone brings up divorce, she gets extremely emotional.
This is one of my very favorite examples of what a dark comedy should be; it’s funny in its own way, and it’s just so full of vitriol – I refer to it as ‘the anti-romantic comedy’ because of its extreme cynicism and pessimism. Basically, every single character in the movie is a contemptible piece of shit that deserves a slow death. Even the ones you almost feel sorry for find ways of making themselves utterly unsympathetic, usually through their own selfishness. And the one character who is successful in eliciting pity, who you want to see succeed, gets royally screwed in the end, moreso than any other character. The whole thing is a great study on the human condition, really – everyone is a selfish little thorn in everybody else’s side, and they all feel that the world owes them something, they’re all so high-and-mighty and constantly looking down upon others… Sometimes it can kinda make you step back to take a look at yourself.
The single most interesting character in this movie is without a doubt Bob Maplewood, the pedophile therapist. I applaud Todd Solondz for writing a character so well; basically, he’s not portrayed as the inhuman shadow-creature that other movies and TV shows have their kiddy-fiddlers as. Instead, he is, much like in real life, a flawed human being with emotions and guilt and everything else. So, he’s actually sympathetic, but at the same time, still a horrible monster that deserves harsh and severe comeuppance. To say that it fucks with your head is a massive understatement. Any movie that can make you think that much is truly great in my eyes.
The humor in this movie is very distinctive; it’s extremely, extremely dry and bitter, and pretty darn dark, too, so it’s definitely not to all tastes. So, if you want a top-of-the-line dark comedy that will also make you think (and very likely make you depressed), this is an excellent choice.

RATING: 9/10

Dreams #1

I know that nobody gives a shit, but that's never stopped me before - this is the first of an indefinitely running series where I describe some of the bizarre, disturbing dreams I have, selected from my massive journal of dream transcriptions, for your personal enjoyment. Each post in this series will have five or so dreams described in as much detail as I can remember (or, in some cases, care to post). Here we go...

While visiting friends out of town, I go to a mall perched atop a mountain. While browsing Hot Topic, I have a quick, dirty roll in the hay with a Goth girl I meet there. Later on, when I try to leave the building, I set off the security buzzer; apparently, during our little tryst, the girl dug her nails into my back and created a pattern that coincidentally has an uncanny resemblance to a barcode. The mall staff concludes that I am, in fact, merchandise, and cannot leave the store unless I am bought. I spend a few days in the store until I am bought by some kid who wants companionship. After one day at his house, I can’t take it any more, and start acting out. The kid returns me, on the grounds that I’m ‘defective’. The staff turns me loose into the store again, where I am trapped until the Goth girl returns and shoplifts me. We are chased by a hardass mall security guard (played by Steven Seagall), in an epic battle (in a water park, no less) that ends with us knocking him into a pool, killing him.

I get sent to the Wal-Mart to pick up some laxative, and it turns into a huge misadventure involving me having to fight pirates (led by my father, who I haven’t seen in over ten years in real life), escape from the Incredible Hulk, get blackmailed into bed by an unattractive, bitchy clerk who’ll only help me find the stuff if I sleep with her, get turned into a cat and have to find a way to change back while foiling an evil gene splicing project (eventually having to battle a shark-man), and help the store stock their new Goth section because all their redneck religious clerks are too scared to go in the area – and, when I finally get the stuff and get it back home, I get yelled at for buying the wrong kind.

My mom was having an affair with David Bowie, who was married to Josie Packard (a rich woman from the TV show “Twin Peaks”) and living in a mostly-empty palace. A new guy joins my therapy group (which is inexplicably filled with alcoholic ten-year-olds), and he quickly becomes my best friend. My grandfather goes completely broke and loses his house. Everyone in my family blames me, and I get kicked out so he can move in. I find a want ad from William S. Burroughs, who is offering room & board in his very large upper-class house for a reduced price if the tenant would do some fix-it work and generally assist around the house. So, me and my friend from group pool our money and both move in with the old man. The three of us bond quickly, with us having a great time having deep discussions with Burroughs, who is obviously a very wise and worldly person. After a while, Burroughs commits suicide, and leaves his house and money to us. I use some of the money to start my college classes, and on the first day I catch and calm down a girl who is on a drug-induced freak-out. The class takes a trip to a Willy Wonka-type chocolate factory, but with Marilyn Manson taking on Wonka’s role of owner/inventor/etc. (like in the video for his song “Dope Hat”). He gives us a tour, and several kids sneak off and/or disobey his rules just like in Willy Wonka, but instead of ironic punishments, Manson just flat-out kills the kids then and there. Later on, me and my friend, out of fear of being found out by our families, started hacking the fetish websites we visited regularly and temporarily taking them offline so that our families wouldn’t see them if they went though our ‘favorites’ on our computers that got left at our respective homes. We started hanging out with this drug-head who sold to Burroughs, but at one point, he steals some ideas that my friend and I had written. So, we go to his house late at night and snuck in. There was a “Star Wars Party” going on; in each room there were some absurdly massive female fans cosplaying as Jabba the Hutt. Guys would watch a Star Wars movie in each room while smoking opium (and/or drinking booze and taking all kinds of other drugs) and having threesomes with the girls. The guys would progress from room to room, with the goal to watch all six movies in a row without passing out or dying from the drugs. My friend had been to one of these parties before, so he knew exactly where to sneak and at which times to stop and hide. We found the writer’s computer and smashed it. Then, we decided to stick around and join the party. We left as the sun was rising, and went home. Then, I ‘woke up’ in my ‘real’ house, and found a package on my counter. I opened it to find a DVD. I watched it, and it was camcorder footage of the Terminator destroying me and my friend’s mansion and killing us both.

The sinister man working at the music store in the mall (he suspiciously resembles Rasputin) informs me that I can trade in souls for store credit. To test this, I sell him the soul of a stray dog, which is worth $20. I get psyched, so I start buying the souls of people I don’t like (kind of like that episode of The Simpsons – they decide to humor me, so they sell me something to symbolize their soul – only it turns out that they really have lost their soul) and buying tons of stuff from the store.

I’m living in the town from Mississippi Burning, and after having to watch all of the disturbing racism for all my life, I become a masked vigilante and kick some Klansman ass. At one point, I pose as a Klan member so I can get into the local leader’s house and kill him. I’m eating dinner at his house, and afterwards, he takes me to his basement, where he wants me to participate in Klan rites of passage, involving bizarre sexual acts with a headless (yet still living) chicken and a black girl who he has chained in his basement and tortured. As soon as I see the girl, I grab the headless chicken and beat the Klan guy to death with it. I set the girl free, and she becomes my sidekick. We travel the world as a superhero team, at one point going back in time to beat the shit out of Hitler and stop the holocaust. While we’re doing this, we create a tear in the space-time continuum, which throws the whole universe into a tizzy, causing reality itself to totally fuck up. The result is a world where Ronald McDonald is the one behind the holocaust, but instead of going after Jewish people and homosexuals, Ronald’s targets are lazy, obnoxious Americans, and his plan for the final solution involves catapulting them into a giant rubber kiddie pool and filling it with tar and concrete.

That's all for now, boils and ghouls! Ehehehehehe! Tune in next time for more terrifying tales of torment from the nefarious, nihilistic nightmare that is my subconscious!

David Lynch's "A Goofy Movie"

This is my favorite stupid YouTube vid, by far...



As a huge Lynch fan and probably the only person in the world who actually liked A Goofy Movie, hats off to the dude who made this.

The Agonizing Bliss of the Angry Coconut

This is the short film I shot and lovingly stitched together over the course of a day for my art class midterm project (which I got an A on - woohoo!).

It's not supposed to be good. It's not supposed to be poignant. It's meant as a stream-of-consciousness type thing, with me filming whatever imagery and composing whatever annoying music came to mind first. It's sort of a loving, ameteurish piss-take on the pretentious art flicks that I adore so much.

Every aspect was handmade to be as irritating as possible, because here at Eternal Headache, we care. So, enjoy!

One of the most awesomely bizarre things I've ever seen...

...yeah. There have been some weird crossovers before (I can't be the only one who remembers the Sonic the Hedgehog/Image Comics crossover where Sonic and his pals team up with the likes of Savage Dragon and The Maxx, and in a particularly disappointing scene, Knuckles spends exactly one panel arguing with Spawn), but none of them have ever reached the pure what-the-fuck level of this. It's something that would just fail to work on every fundamental level (have we ever even seen guns in Archie?), and that is where the genius lies. I would love to have been a fly on the wall during the meetings where they discussed this.

Soon, I hope to acquire this gem and maybe do a breakdown/review-thing on here. Until then, however, we can only speculate... At least/too bad this isn't the Garth Ennis version of ol' Frank...

Film Review - "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me" (1992)

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me

1992

David Lynch

This movie is a real mess. Not in a bad way; I really like it. But… Damn, is it frustrating. See, the Twin Peaks TV series is probably my favorite TV show, period. When I finished it up, I was excited about seeing the movie; I was expecting a resolution to the cliffhanger that the show left us at, plus a proper venue for some trademark grotesque Lynch weirdness. Well, we got one of those things in an overabundance, and it’s not the first one.
This is a prequel to the television series. The movie begins on a murder several months prior to Laura Palmer’s. The significance? It involves Bob and the Black Lodge, and therefore the circumstances, MO, and so on of Laura’s death are practically identical, which is why Cooper was sent to Twin Peaks; it is, as Gordon Cole designates it, a ‘blue rose case’, which is theorized to mean something involving the supernatural. So anyway, we start with Gordon Cole (God, I love that guy – David Lynch is a hilarious actor, and he was probably my favorite character of the show) sending two agents down to a different small town to investigate this other murder. These two agents are played by Chris Isaac and Kiefer Sutherland, and they’re pretty good at getting down the buddy-cop dynamic, given their minimal screentime. With these guys, things are pretty straightforwardly like an episode of the show, just with a few extra sprinkles of weirdness here and there. Then, we go to the FBI offices, and in addition to seeing more of Gordon, we check in on Cooper (who, despite being the main protagonist of the show, is completely absent from the film outside of this one scene) and my favorite pacifistic asshole, Albert Rosenfeld. Here, we have one of the most baffling events in the movie: a long-missing FBI agent just walks into Gordon’s office, and starts speaking, extremely cryptically, about where he was, and warning Cooper. Apparently, he’s been trapped in the Black Lodge, just as Cooper is in the final episode of the series. Then, the agent just disappears into thin air. This small part is played, with a great deal of creepiness, by David Bowie. After an oddly specific dream-based prediction by Cooper, we travel to Twin Peaks, where we spend the rest of the film watching the final days in the life of Laura Palmer.
This movie completely and utterly failed in the box office (even famously drawing booings and en masse walkouts at its premiere), for several reasons. First, unlike most TV-to-film adaptations, there is no space in the audience for newcomers; if you’ve never seen the show, then to say you’re up shit creek is an understatement (heck, even if you’ve just finished watching the entire show, you’re still up shit creek – and the movie came out well over a year after the show ended, too, so it wasn’t exactly fresh on the general public’s mind). Second, there were a lot of people who loved the show, but were new to Lynch. They enjoyed the quirkiness of the show, and how it handled dark subject matter and still had a wonderfully bright-eyed, lighthearted sense of humor about it. The movie is totally different; the only laughs are the awkward chuckles elicited by Lynch’s trademark awkward ‘what the fuck’ moments, and other than that, the movie is completely, utterly hopeless and depressing. It’s just plain dark. Adding to this, while the show was pretty straightforward, only getting into the abstract stuff with Bob and the Black Lodge, the movie is more along the lines (which are barely visible and, upon closer inspection, are actually a flaming bowl of dog biscuits and a record of the soundtrack to Flashdance) of Eraserhead or Lost Highway – it really fucks your head, and doesn’t even use lube. In fact, having seen all of Lynch’s feature films, I can say that this is probably the most disturbing of the bunch; this is one of those few movies that actually scared me and rekindled my fear of the dark. So, with all of that in mind, it’s no wonder why the general moviegoing public took a large, collective shit on this movie, and the critics followed suit.
This is actually one of my favorite films from everyone’s favorite crazy-haired mental ward escapee. We get to see a whole lot more of the Black Lodge and its residents, and they’re scary as hell. Despite being a prequel, we get to see some time-warped Cooper and Annie Blackburn, warning Laura in her dreams, which is cool. Without network restraints, the movie gets to go balls-out, and it mostly works – demon-possessed Leland is really fucking scary, and I was effected by it ever-so-slightly worse because I have a good friend who resembles Laura in every possible way, and it just pains me to envision these horrible things happening to her. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see all that many characters from the show – where are Pete, Josie, Ben, Audrey, Jerry, Blackie, The General, the whole Twin Peaks police force, and most of the other characters? Even the Log Lady, who one would have expected Lynch to make great use of in the movie, only has one line and about twenty seconds of screentime (granted, it’s a pivotal moment, but it’s still short). It also pisses me off that Leo Johnson is so watered down from the way he was in the series. He was a truly hate-able antagonist in the show; he was a wife-beating, teenage-girl-raping, motherfucking motherfucker, and I applauded when he got his brains blown across the room in the show (and I also thought it was a terrible move when they opted for a stereotypical moustache-twirling villain in Windom Earle afterwards, and got the even worse idea of creating ‘Franken-Leo’ as his obligatory brainless henchman). Here, it just seems like they… I dunno, ‘pussified’ him – he’s almost comic relief here. It’s not like he’s gonna upstage Bob as the villain of the movie, no matter how evil they make him… Whatever, though. It’s great to see a lot more of The Arm… I swear, that man scares the fuck out of me. Mike is a weird old (well-meaning) bastard, as always, and he also gets developed a lot more in this movie as the antithesis of Bob.
The imagery in this movie is great, but even better are the drawn-out, disturbing scenes with Leland and Laura, which add to the dark mood and creepy, squirmy feeling that’s there for the whole movie and makes you feel like you need a shower afterwards.
This is one of those movies where I’m pretty much the only person who liked it, and didn’t just like it, but loved it. However, in this rare occasion, I can very plainly recognize what made others hate it so much. That said, it’s still a fantastic movie, and one of the best Lynch films (and also serving as a sort of bridge between the 80’s Blue Velvet and Wild at Heart style, and the more sleek late 90’s/early 2000’s style from Lost Highway, Mulholland Dr. and Inland Empire). I recommend it, but only (and ONLY) if you’ve seen every single episode of the series beforehand. So… What are you waiting for? Go for it!

RATING: 10/10

Throbbing Gristle

Throbbing Gristle, how I love thee. Is it because you make good music? Not necessarily. Granted, some of it is just plain good music, but the reasons I have for loving and being inspired by this band are oftentimes misunderstood.

EXHIBIT A: "Hamburger Lady"
This song... Jesus Christ, this song scared the crap out of me, and it still does. This terrifying sound experiment stands as probably the scariest piece of media I have ever been exposed to. I still remember the first time I heard it - I was high, listening in total darkness, and I actually broke down crying because this song hit me so hard. It's based on a letter one of the band members got from a friend who was a hospital orderly or something;

"...by far the worst is the Hamburger Lady, and because of the shortage right now of 'qualified technicians', e.g. technicians who can work with her and keep their last meal down, Screwloose Lauritzen and I have been alternating nights with her, unrelievedly. If you put a 250-lb meatloaf in the oven and then burned it and then followed that by propping it up on a potty-chair to greet you at 11pm each night, you would have some description of these past two weeks. Which is to say the worst I seen since Viet napalms. When somebody tells you that there is a level of pain beyond which the human mind cannot retain consciousness, please tell them to write to me. In point of fact this lady has not slept more than 3-5 minutes at a stretch since she came to us - that was over two weeks ago and, thanks to medical advances, there is no end in sight; from the waist up everything is burned off, ears, nose, etc. - lower half is untouched and that, I guess, is what keeps her alive. I took one guy in to help me change tubes and he did alright, that is alright till he came out, then he spotted one of the burn nurses (pleasant smiling zombies) eating a can of chili-mac at the desk, and that did it: he flashed on the carpet. It's fucking insane is what it is."

Take a creepy, robotic reading of parts of the letter in cut-up fashion, mutilated by a vocoder and set against a hideous, roaring atmosphere that sounds like the auditory personification of pain, and you get a scary fucking song.



EXHIBIT B: Wreckers of Civilization
I don't like punk music. I've never liked punk music. I don't know why, but it never clicked with me, even though I like the idea of sonic anarchy. Throbbing Gristle basically holds the same ideals as punk, but the sound is more to my liking - computerized, experimental, glitchy. The fact that none of the members of the band had any kind of experience with music in any way, shape or form (aside from vocalist Genesis P-Orridge doing some avant-garde stuff in the past) and that their shows were almost entirely improvised intrigues me. For reasons such as these, their output is really kinda split down the middle - some of it is genuinely good, trippy, experimental proto-industrial. The other half of it is so profoundly god-awful that it's like some beautiful train wreck that people have gathered around because the charred remains have melted into the shape of the Virgin Mary - it's unbearable, and an extremely important development in the ideals of music and the artist-consumer relationship because of it. It's really something that must be heard to be believed.

EXHIBIT C: Influence
The band has had a massive influence despite its relative obscurity. TG has most notably been an influence on Skinny Puppy, who themselves would go on to pretty much invent 'industrial' as it is currently known (or rather, refine the sound that came from many differing sources). After breaking up, the band splintered into several, including Psychic TV, Chris & Cosey, and Coil. Coil was perhaps one of the most influential electronic/ambient bands out there, with some of the more notable followers including Aphex Twin and Nine Inch Nails, both of whom would go on to collaborate with Coil. Through that small web, an enormous trickle-down effect (or in this case, fuckin' waterfall) has come into play, with TG at the top of it all.

I could go on for quite a bit longer, but to cut out the faux-intellectualism for a minute, I'll state some basic opinion: I adore TG's output from their '77 debut up to '79, but after that they kinda went on a decline until the breakup. However, they've recently gotten back together, and their 2007 reunion album is one of, if not the strongest piece of production they've released thus far. Frankly, I can't wait for what comes next.